Ode to My Sweater

Where do I begin to tell the story ~Of how great a love can be ~The sweet love story that is older than the sea ~The simple truth about the … oh, sorry, wrong story.

I have this sweater. I believe I have had this sweater for over ten years. It is something the average tasteful person would not buy so I must have bought it really cheap. It is multi-toned brown patch work. It is a big button down the front kind of sweater that has this huge floppy big collar and has fake stitching around every edge, as you might imagine some back woods-woman was hand sewing this sweater during the winter of 1983, especially for me. The best thing about my sweater is its warmth and softness. All other sweaters are measured to this one sweater and none have come close.

I have worn this sweater everywhere. When it was new I’d wear it over a shirt for work; as it got older I retired it to wearing it outside of work; now, older still, I can no longer wear it out of the house. My sweater is succumbing to the inevitable end of its 100% acrylic life. It’s journey began many years ago from Korea by ship. Making its way across the vast sea to our shores where it was rescued by a White Stag and brought, most likely, to the nearest Wal-Mart, until the day I found it and brought it home.

Now my sweater bears life’s hardships, although it still has its original five buttons, the button holes are each two to three inches wide, the edge stitching once so careful sewn by a back woods-woman is now a thread of its original beauty, and the saddest part of all, my sweater is now so thread-bare, I must wear a sweater over my sweater to have any warmth.

But I will not send my sweater to the big yarn pile, as some have suggested. Each week I proudly bring my sweater to the laundry mat with all my other so-called warm shirts and wash and dry it as it remains part of my daily winter wardrobe. But alas, this may be the last holiday my sweater will see. I feel soon it will just give up and unravel itself…

The Power (ball) Concept

Today I decided I am going to win that elusive Powerball and I’m going to win tonight! I am getting bored being poor. Tonight the jackpot amount is: $130,000,000.00.

One hundred – thirty million dollars.

Yes, okay, I would have to pay taxes in the tune of 65 million. (Estimating half) but, SO! That would leave me approximately 65,000,000.00. I think if I really tried, maybe I’d have to clip coupons for a while, but I could get by on this amount.

For years I’ve been thinking…exactly what would I do if at 11:05 PM tonight I knew I had won Powerball? Here is my list of activities:

1. Make a fresh pot of coffee.

2. Make one phone call. To my oldest – I call her and say: “Get down here” and hang up and she knows what I mean, we’ve discussed this before. Once she arrives, we pick up her sister at school. (she doesn’t know yet) We arrive, unannounced.

3. We leave.

4. Can’t tell you where, but you’ll hear from us again.

This four step plan prevents the four of us from “disappearing off the face of the earth” if you know what I mean!

Once we are in our safe house, we get down to business.

1. Hire the most obscure financial person I can find. Let’s say, Zachary Zimmerman. Someone wayyy at the end of the phonebook, someone who couldn’t possibly be popular or corrupt. Perhaps I’ll look up and call an old colleague, “hey, want to make a few bucks?”

2. Trust funds would be set up for the family. Instead of trying to figure out who would get what amount, it would be easier to say… how many in your immediate family? 5? Okay 500,000.00 to you. Six people? Okay, 600,000 to you.

Now don’t start calling me cheap, this is just a start. Something you can get by on until I can get back around to you again. Now while I’m busy taking care of things I expect you all to pay off your bills, your houses, cars, loans, whatever you got going so you have that one opportunity in life to: “start new”. Because let’s be realistic, I’m the millionaire, if I had a job I could quit. You cannot. You’ll be quite comfortable, with all your bills paid your paycheck is YOURS!

3. There are a few people I need to take care of outside the family. People who have assisted me in the past when I needed help. They will be taken care of. The girl at the convenient store, who sold me the ticket, won’t need to work there anymore, at eight dollars per hour how much is that going to cost me?

4. My ex-colleague accountant friend will also administer a project for me. Somehow, someway, I want one person picked per month, and all their monthly bills would be paid for the month. Sometimes people just need a break just to get ahead a little.

5. I would set up a team of intelligent people, no, not politicians. No, not religious fanatics. No, not... well, I’d pick a group of people. I don’t want this to sound cruel (it probably will, but it’s not my intent) but this group will study the homeless. I want to know, if you are homeless, “why are you in New England in November?” … YOU KNOW WINTER IS COMING!

I understand there are many types of homeless people, some really need to be put in hospitals, some are addicted to drugs, some are alcoholics, but those people who have falling on hard times, why are you staying here?

This is one thing I could never understand. Go south. You won’t freeze to death and when spring comes head back if you want. Please don’t think I am cruel. I just don’t get the logic. If I ever became homeless, I’d give it my best shot up here to get a job again, but, when things are looking hopeless, I’d start heading south. Maybe start in September and walk if I had to. Do five or ten miles a day, what else am I doing? It not like you’d have to walk to the Florida Keys; South Carolina is warm enough in the winter.

So, my team would try to figure out why someone is homeless, what could be done to make this person not homeless, and if they wanted, provide transportation. Give them a little cash, a few supplies to get started. Maybe send them down to hook up with a Habitat for Humanity group and volunteer to help build a house and then a volunteering carpenter sees their work ethic and hires them. You never know. It worth the chance, it’s better than trying to keep warm over a city subway grate.

6. Finally, my new job would be a philanthropist. I would love to be able to take one or two people, say in high school, maybe freshmen and set them up. “Do this, do this, wear this, learn this”, whatever, right through to college. Some person who wouldn’t have this opportunity if someone doesn’t guide them. (Oh please, trust me, it wouldn’t be ME guiding them, I’d have to hire someone who knows what they are doing).

I’d also like to do that for maybe an older person. You know how you meet that ultra-polite grocery store stockman and you think to yourself, “why the hell is this guy doing this job?” , especially when you have met so many assholes in your life who are in these great jobs by sheer luck! I would like to set this person up on the right track. Maybe go to the Donald Trump School of Management, where after two years he returns and fires all the assholes that gave him shit when he was stocking shelves. That would be cool.

That’ll get me through Day 1 of being a millionaire.

It’s now 10PM…one hour to go; if you don’t hear from us, we’ll be in touch!